What sobriety has brought to my life is irreplaceable. I say that will 100% honesty.
This is also 100% honest. I get jealous sometimes. I see people who can control their drinking and I get mad at them. Some days the longing to drink responsibly overwhelms me (this is not to be confused with the desire to drink). I know, from experience, that I cannot handle even one drink because one would quickly turn into 20 but those hot summer days, working outside in the garden, mowing the lawn, cooking steaks on the grill — those times when, assuming you can actually drink responsibly, there is almost nothing better than a cold mixed drink to liven your mood and lift your spirits.
I get mad at myself, my genetics, my brain — whatever it is that turned what is a social activity for most into a life threatening illness for me. I know I cannot drink responsibly. Responsible drinking is something I have not known since high school (which, typing now, seems funny since I was underage and therefore irresponsible). I have no more chances, no more get out of jail free cards. No more “last times”.
Sobriety is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Sobriety can be a real pain in the ass.
Tell Everyone:Links to sites that help mine grow.
Posted on July 27th, 2007 at 9:34 am by The User 1 Comment »
This following list was written by William L. White who has a masters degree in addiction studies. I read it and said “DUH” to most of them but one in particular has been instrumental in my recovery - number 3. Number 3 enables all of the others to happen. It should be number one on the list.
Number 5 is also very important. Knowing about your addiction, your triggers, what to avoid, etc. can make a situation that would have normally turned out bad instead become a stepping stone in your recovery.
Relapse is not a requirement for recovery!
FIVE THINGS YOU CAN DO TO ENHANCE YOUR RECOVERY ODDS
1. Don’t use-no matter what!
2. Choose a treatment program that offers a rich menu of continuing care services and actively utilize these supports.
3. Find a recovery support group and stay actively involved. (Make meetings a priority, get a sponsor, build a sober social network, and apply recovery program principles to problems of daily living.) Involve your family members in recovery support groups and activities.
4. If you do not have a living environment supportive of recovery, investigate the growing network of recovery homes.
5. Become an expert on your own recovery and take responsibility for it.
Tell Everyone:Links to sites that help mine grow.
Posted on July 19th, 2007 at 1:25 pm by The User No Comments »
I awoke in a daze, unsure of what had happened the night before. What I remember, quite clearly, was going to see a movie, coming home, playing two games of Yahtzee, then going to bed.
My dreams were the culprit for the morning’s confusion.
I hadn’t had a using dream for months. In the early weeks and into the first couple months of sobriety I had vivid using dreams 1-2 times a week. Two dreams in particular took turns haunting my mind during these early days. In one, every drug and drink I used on a regular basis was available to me in unlimited quantities. I would gorge myself on everything in the room until I was near death. In the other I would already be wasted, driving down a road at amazing speeds that made everything around me streak by in a blur. I couldn’t focus on anything. It reminded me of the old Nintendo game, Spy Hunter, whose sole purpose was to avoid hitting everything coming at you. I would awake from both dreams covered in sweat, confused, scared, and angry.
Last night’s dream was different. It was much more subtle in context. I wasn’t presented with an endless supply of drugs nor was I racing down the road at blinding speeds. I was at dinner in a nice restaurant. The other people sitting at the table (who were faceless; per usual in my dreams) had ordered a bottle of wine. When the waiter brought the bottle he poured everyone, including me, a glass. I looked at the wine. It looked back, taunting me, reminding me that I had long ago lost the privilege to enjoy even one glass. The others at the table raised their glasses for a toast. I joined in the toast and without a second thought, sipped the wine. A rush of alcoholic pleasure immediately coursed through my brain.
I awoke not covered in sweat or confused but a little disoriented. It only took a few seconds to realize it was a dream. What bothered me most about the dream is how defenseless I seemed to have been against the first drink. I’m going to take the dream as a warning - a warning that if I let all of the work I have done slip even a bit, I could be left defenseless against the first drink. Today I am not defenseless and I take actions each day to assure that I remain that way.
Sobriety is a gift. To keep the gift you have to work for it. I like what my new life to much to let it go to waste yet again.
Tell Everyone:Links to sites that help mine grow.
Posted on July 15th, 2007 at 2:52 pm by The User No Comments »
I haven’t lived with my mother for 10 years but this picture hit home. The trust my family had in me as a teenager was undeserved. If they had only known then what I was doing with my free time.
Do you want to know one of the most romantic words in my vocabulary?
Lice. Yup, lice. The little nasty bugs that invade, in this case, your head. Let me explain.
I once worked at a summer camp as a counselor. One of the campers was identified as having lice and as a result it was required that we scour the heads of the other campers to see if anyone else needed treatment. Needless to say, the other counselors weren’t exactly jumping at the chance to spend their day looking at the hair follicles of 150+ campers with a magnifying glass. The camp nurse unfortunately had to choice in the matter and I, after volunteering, became second in charge of lice eradication.
I had met and enjoyed a few brief conversations with the camp nurse prior to our lice adventure but this day we had the chance to spend 8+ solid hours together. It was a day that would forever change my life. We spoke of life, memories, movies, music, relationships, history, intellect, television shows and countless other subjects. Little did I know that this would be the first of many long conversations. Little did I know I would be spending the rest of my life with her.
When I think of lice, I think of love - for that’s the day I fell in love with my wife.
Tell Everyone:Links to sites that help mine grow.
Posted on July 7th, 2007 at 9:36 pm by The User 1 Comment »
Update: FIXED. Apparently in the transfer, something happened to the archives and the single-post option. If you click on the title of the post it takes you to an error page. Working on this issue now.
The Loser really is a loser
Apparently he forgot that he was hosting this site on a server with a contract that expired yesterday. Last night I tried to log in and it said, “Account suspended, please contact billing and support immediately.”
I transfered it all to my server late last night and this morning but I still have a few bugs I am working out (plugins and their respective databases for the most part) so bear with me.
Tell Everyone:Links to sites that help mine grow.
Posted on July 4th, 2007 at 11:07 am by The User 1 Comment »
Be Impeccable With Your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
Don’t Take Anything Personally: Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.
Don’t Make Assumptions: Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
Always Do Your Best: Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.
Tell Everyone:Links to sites that help mine grow.
Posted on July 4th, 2007 at 11:02 am by The User 1 Comment »
I’ve committed murder with words. I misrepresented someone of great importance to me for so long that in the minds of many people she is dead. I didn’t always lie, I just carefully chose what parts of a story to tell.
The truth is, I didn’t know enough of the story to be telling anyone anything. I carefully chose the people whom I told these things because I knew they wouldn’t ask any of the hard questions (like, “What did you do to deserve it?”) and would just take me at my word.
Manipulation is a skill that I have been perfecting since I was a child. I have - for as long as I can remember - been able to get most anything I want. Whether it be a specific Christmas gift when I was a child, completely disregarding the fact my parents would have to stretch their already tight budget, or as a teenager when I when would convince girls I was their dream man only to dump them weeks later for the next one. The list could go on ad infinitum.
This post is not about what I’ve done, it’s about those whom I have hurt, lied to and manipulated. Some of you may not even know that I was full of shit. If I said it before 2006, it could very well be a lie. I used to lie simply out of habit. I would lie about things I didn’t even need to lie about. The problem is I don’t remember, at least correctly, the past 10-12 years. Everything is shrouded in a cloud of drugs and alcohol.
I will try and find you all personally but that may be an impossible task.
To the one that means the most to me I am truly sorry. I have created damage that for some would be unforgivable. You didn’t deserve any of it.
Tell Everyone:Links to sites that help mine grow.
Posted on July 1st, 2007 at 10:03 pm by The User No Comments »
I guess that is why I checked in to the Pinellas County facility this past Wednesday! Because I MUST still be a loser! I have not posted to this site in a while because I have been excited about losing my ‘loserlike’ qualities, but all it took was a blast from the Texas past to bring them out!
Long story short longer!
Ex foul-mouthed partier gives his life over top the Lord years ago and is blessed daily by having the opportunity of having custody of his 6 year old son.
Baby momma comes to town from Texas for the week, father allows her to stay in his house to save $100’s of dollars in hotel costs. Argument starts because of the obvious lack of rationalization an ex-dancer has.
Evil lost soul Babymomma calls him a ‘disgusting fat fucker’ among many other colorful ‘F’ related adjectives.
When the only replies she is met with are “ok” and “oh I understand” and “good to know”, she storms off out of the room she begins breaking his property
Paul Loser gets mad and as he is asking her why she would break his stuff pushes her off of him.
911
Donut eaters arrive
3 hour investigation ensues since the defendant of any investigation must pay all county officers additional $25 for their time, billable on Inmate admittance form.
Father is handcuffed and led off to jail while “victim” ‘lover of all drama’ relaxes on his king size bed and watches Jerry Springer on the plasma!
I am a loser.
While I am still the apple of my six year old son’s eye and it has almost no bearing on he and my relationship (which is all that matters anyway), his image of a real man is now tarnished a little. His image of how he should treat a woman…every woman for that matter, is now tarnished a little.
If there is one thing this world lacks, it’s dads that are willing to step up to the plate and teach their kids what not to do in life, what not to say to people, to learn to love the Lord first and foremost and to always have the ultimate respect for women.
I’m a loser.
Tell Everyone:Links to sites that help mine grow.
Posted on June 18th, 2007 at 1:55 pm by The Loser 2 Comments »
